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A portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2015

37 weeks old - endings

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This week we had our last mums and bubs yoga class together and I am so sad this beautiful ritual in our lives is over. Since before I even knew you'd taken up residence in my womb you have accompanied me to yoga. I took a break when I found out I was pregnant, I was so scared of losing you I barely did anything physical. The early days of pregnancy were stressful for all the normal reasons but we had some added complications and so when we were finally given the all clear that you were thriving I went along to my first prenatal yoga class and began a journey that transformed my relationship with my body and with yoga but also helped lead me towards motherhood. Those prenatal classes were a moment of stillness in my week, where I could just be, with you. I no longer felt worried that I wasn't good enough in class, my practice became about nurturing my body, strengthening and preparing. I felt strangely self conscious about being pregnant, being the first of my friends and the first of the next generation in my family but in class I was just another pregnant woman and it was the one of the few places where I really got to have a shared experience of pregnancy. I remember watching the heavily pregnant women in the class and how peaceful and ready they seemed compared to how I felt during those early days. As their due date grew near it was like the knew something the rest of us didn't know and each class we'd joke that we might not see them at the next one until eventually they didn't show and we'd hear they'd had their babies. I remember being the most heavily pregnant woman in the class and being watched with slight awe by the women earlier in their pregnancies. When we compared due dates I was weeks away, not months, and then suddenly only days away. I moved slowly and avoided some positions but in those last few classes I felt strong and ready. My last class was the day before your due date and I was preparing to head to the next class four days later when I went in to labour. That night I thought of all the women in class moving together, focused on their babies as they practiced, while at home I finally put the skills I'd learnt to use, swaying, breathing and releasing.

When you were 10 weeks old we returned, I felt completely new, like I had been torn apart and built again. I was surprised to find only one familiar face from the prenatal classes, she had been one of the heavily pregnant women when I first started who I had fascinated me so much. I was nervous when I realised all the other babies in the class were a few months older and that the mums had been going to classes together in the same group for months now. I moved through the class feeling sick with disappointment, I had so hoped to make friends, I was desperate for a group of mums. I was sure it wasn't going to be the experience I wanted. When the class finished I was invited to join the group for coffee and was welcomed into the fold with welcome arms. Finding that group of mums, who parent like I do, were open, caring and funny, has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Mondays were the highlight of my week. In class I built up strength again and had a chance to watch other mothers interact with their babies, soothing them, playing with them, feeding and changing them. I got to bond with you, outside of the womb this time. After class we would head to a local cafe and sometimes spend hours talking and laughing. Slowly the older babies got to mobile for the class, you watched on with wonder as they built up speed each week and would shriek with glee every time one came over to play with you but eventually it was their turn to leave the class and we sadly said goodbye. Luckily we had started attending baby time at the local library as a group and having our cafe chats after that instead and as you've all grown it's been beautiful to watch you all get to know each other and play together. I felt like crying the first time you were able to crawl over and play with them all by yourself. As new mums came to yoga we made more friends and I took my turn as the more experienced mum in the class, assuring others that the difficult times pass, or that we had been through it too and I am just as glad for this second lot of friends too and dreaded the moment when you became such a proficient crawler that we would have to say goodbye too. 

I think I had a better labour because of yoga, I know I definitely had a better pregnancy and am a better mum because of it. I know for the rest of my life the memories of this time will be some of my fondest. I hope one day you and I will practice yoga again but for now I'm searching for a different activity to fill our Mondays and doing my best to embrace change and to celebrate what we had rather then feel too much sadness over what we are leaving behind. I am so grateful for everything that being your mum has brought me.

I have to mention one more unfortunate thing that happened this week, Leona, our cat, gave you a big scratch right across your face. Your new found speed caught her off guard and she lashed out. I was so heart broken for you, you were shocked and hurt and you cry was one we barely ever hear. I held you tight until you calmed down enough for us to disinfect the scratch which has healed very quickly and by the next day you were back to thinking Leona is the bees knees, so no real harm has been done though your dad and I have learnt to be a little more cautious from now on. Your excitement about her is just gorgeous, you have special sounds reserved just for her and now that you can wave you do that when you see her too. She is much more relaxed around you these days too (for the most part) so I hope we can facilitate a nice relationship with you two without another incident.

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A portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2015

36 weeks old - Family Traditions

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Almost all year now we've maintained the new family tradition of going to the markets every Saturday morning for breakfast and our weekly shop. When we first started going it was so hot that we just had you in a nappy and nothing else inside the ergo carrier where as now you are all bundled up to face the coldest weather you've experienced yet. Sometimes we are joined by other people for breakfast, friends or your grandparents, and sometimes it is just the three of us. It is my absolute favourite thing we do and I am so happy to be establishing new traditions with you and your dad. Family traditions were always so special to me growing up, Saturday roasts at Granny and Grandpa's were the only thing that made becoming vegetarian difficult and for years after your uncle and I stopped sharing a room we would still spend christmas eve in the same room so that we could wake up on christmas morning together. As I've grown up all these traditions have faded away or changed dramatically, there are many wonderful things about being a young adult and setting out on your own path but I have missed the warmth of family traditions and am so happy to be creating these new ones that will fill your childhood.

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A portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2015

35 weeks old - Hands up

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This photo isn't exactly in focus or particularly flattering, sorry my darling girl, but it does capture a very lovely moment. We were at your great grandpa's house eating afternoon tea with your great aunts, grandparents and second cousins and you were happily enjoying your food when you suddenly started raising your arms in the air like this. It clearly took great effort as you were physically and verbally straining to do it but when you saw everyone react by cheering and copying you, you continued doing it over and over again for a good ten minutes or so. We were all laughing hysterically, my stomach hurt from laughing by the end of it, and it was so nice to share one of your firsts with them all. Now you'll do this when your dad and I say yayyyyyyyy and it's just the cutest thing. Just like I wrote last week, things change so fast and you're picking up new skills all over the place and showing more of your personality with each one. You now also wave and clap, and follow verbal cues for those two too, so when we say hello or goodbye you will start waving and when I say 'clap clap clap' you start clapping. It's amazing to have concrete evidence that you are developing a really good understanding of what we are saying. You also will wave when you see your dad or I come in to the room and it's just so special, especially combined with the special big grin you reserve for us and especially for your dad when he comes home from work. We love knowing we're you're favourite people, just like you are favourite too.

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A portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2015

34 weeks old - On the move

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It's official, you're on the move, this photo was taking mere moments before poor Leona realised it too. Your technique isn't quite as textbook as this photo suggests, you're still doing more of an army crawl/wiggle across the ground, only occasionally getting up on to your knees, but it's only a matter of time. Your pace is picking up and your dad and I are looking around the house feeling rather defeated by all we have to baby proof and all the extra cleaning we have to do now that your dirty knees and tummy make it hard to ignore that we haven't mopped. It's definitely been a game changer for us all and I have to admit it was a milestone I felt a bit daunted by but it's been so lovely watching you being able to explore your world independently. After months of watching other babies crawl and walk around the room at baby time at our local library you were finally able to take off too, glancing back at me to give a cheeky gleeful smile every now and then. It constantly blows my mind how quickly things change, that not so long ago I could put you down and you wouldn't even roll over and now you barely stay still. As you develop these new abilities you start revealing more about your character and I just love getting to know you.

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A portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2015

33 weeks old - Clear communication

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This is how you tell us you're done with eating at the moment. Unfortunately this has been happening a lot lately as you've been struck down by your first cold. I'm so proud of us for getting to just shy of 8 months without you being sick at all but it's been so sad to watch you struggle with your blocked nose and cough until you vomit. We had to take you to hospital as your breathing had become very fast and shallow and the doctor we took you to was concerned about your oxygen levels. Luckily you had remained so happy and alert and were having a jolly time indeed even while we were at the hospital so we were never too stressed out about you and we were quickly given the all clear though it seems your cold has turned into bronchiolitis and so is going to stick around a bit longer then we had hoped. It's been a bit of a quiet week, missing out on our usual activities and spending more time indoors, you did manage to come out to my choir concert, you seemed to enjoy the singing but I think you were much more excited to watch the other kids and babies that came along. I loved having you in the audience and hearing your little chatty sounds coming from the back row.