A portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2015
37 weeks old - endings
This week we had our last mums and bubs yoga class together and I am so sad this beautiful ritual in our lives is over. Since before I even knew you'd taken up residence in my womb you have accompanied me to yoga. I took a break when I found out I was pregnant, I was so scared of losing you I barely did anything physical. The early days of pregnancy were stressful for all the normal reasons but we had some added complications and so when we were finally given the all clear that you were thriving I went along to my first prenatal yoga class and began a journey that transformed my relationship with my body and with yoga but also helped lead me towards motherhood. Those prenatal classes were a moment of stillness in my week, where I could just be, with you. I no longer felt worried that I wasn't good enough in class, my practice became about nurturing my body, strengthening and preparing. I felt strangely self conscious about being pregnant, being the first of my friends and the first of the next generation in my family but in class I was just another pregnant woman and it was the one of the few places where I really got to have a shared experience of pregnancy. I remember watching the heavily pregnant women in the class and how peaceful and ready they seemed compared to how I felt during those early days. As their due date grew near it was like the knew something the rest of us didn't know and each class we'd joke that we might not see them at the next one until eventually they didn't show and we'd hear they'd had their babies. I remember being the most heavily pregnant woman in the class and being watched with slight awe by the women earlier in their pregnancies. When we compared due dates I was weeks away, not months, and then suddenly only days away. I moved slowly and avoided some positions but in those last few classes I felt strong and ready. My last class was the day before your due date and I was preparing to head to the next class four days later when I went in to labour. That night I thought of all the women in class moving together, focused on their babies as they practiced, while at home I finally put the skills I'd learnt to use, swaying, breathing and releasing.
When you were 10 weeks old we returned, I felt completely new, like I had been torn apart and built again. I was surprised to find only one familiar face from the prenatal classes, she had been one of the heavily pregnant women when I first started who I had fascinated me so much. I was nervous when I realised all the other babies in the class were a few months older and that the mums had been going to classes together in the same group for months now. I moved through the class feeling sick with disappointment, I had so hoped to make friends, I was desperate for a group of mums. I was sure it wasn't going to be the experience I wanted. When the class finished I was invited to join the group for coffee and was welcomed into the fold with welcome arms. Finding that group of mums, who parent like I do, were open, caring and funny, has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Mondays were the highlight of my week. In class I built up strength again and had a chance to watch other mothers interact with their babies, soothing them, playing with them, feeding and changing them. I got to bond with you, outside of the womb this time. After class we would head to a local cafe and sometimes spend hours talking and laughing. Slowly the older babies got to mobile for the class, you watched on with wonder as they built up speed each week and would shriek with glee every time one came over to play with you but eventually it was their turn to leave the class and we sadly said goodbye. Luckily we had started attending baby time at the local library as a group and having our cafe chats after that instead and as you've all grown it's been beautiful to watch you all get to know each other and play together. I felt like crying the first time you were able to crawl over and play with them all by yourself. As new mums came to yoga we made more friends and I took my turn as the more experienced mum in the class, assuring others that the difficult times pass, or that we had been through it too and I am just as glad for this second lot of friends too and dreaded the moment when you became such a proficient crawler that we would have to say goodbye too.
I think I had a better labour because of yoga, I know I definitely had a better pregnancy and am a better mum because of it. I know for the rest of my life the memories of this time will be some of my fondest. I hope one day you and I will practice yoga again but for now I'm searching for a different activity to fill our Mondays and doing my best to embrace change and to celebrate what we had rather then feel too much sadness over what we are leaving behind. I am so grateful for everything that being your mum has brought me.
I have to mention one more unfortunate thing that happened this week, Leona, our cat, gave you a big scratch right across your face. Your new found speed caught her off guard and she lashed out. I was so heart broken for you, you were shocked and hurt and you cry was one we barely ever hear. I held you tight until you calmed down enough for us to disinfect the scratch which has healed very quickly and by the next day you were back to thinking Leona is the bees knees, so no real harm has been done though your dad and I have learnt to be a little more cautious from now on. Your excitement about her is just gorgeous, you have special sounds reserved just for her and now that you can wave you do that when you see her too. She is much more relaxed around you these days too (for the most part) so I hope we can facilitate a nice relationship with you two without another incident.
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